I'm feeling really alone tonight, and knowing that this is a fact of life still doesn't help. 'Cause here I am, alone in my room, once again left with only my thoughts and my own self-control. Whatever's left of the latter, anyway. We all have down days, I keep telling myself, and that also doesn't help. It's just an introspective day a.k.a. a day of self-pity which I can't seem to shake. Maybe I need to feel it so I don't tomorrow.

I don't want to start this work week. It means moving an entire office and still coordinating shipments and bla bla arggggggggh. I don't wanna (whines).

I'm feeling tired of the unknown tonight. Tired of my own not-knowing how or why things happen and how I could allow myself to be vulnerable again. I always feel so wrecked whenever I let anyone near... even before they have a chance to wreck me. It's insane and I'm pretty sure nobody will ever stick around if I continue to act this way, but sometimes I wonder if I really want anyone to stay. Or if it's at all healthy to be waiting for the knife to drop every step of the way, even when it's a seemingly positive thing that's happening.

Have I just kindled a complete distrust of everyone? I can't blame "them" because it is me who ultimately decides how I will treat people and situations- but why, even when there is nothing to worry about, do I feel in a constant state of crisis... as if relationships with people are pointless because they are going to end in heartache.

Like somehow it'll always end up back at this point: sitting alone in my room crying over something that hasn't happened yet, but might, while remembering the last time it did.

I can't shake this feeling tonight: holding onto some hope for tomorrow.