Last night I started reading Is That It? and found myself oddly revived. Spending two and a half hours on the couch, fully encompassed in the life of somebody else whose life is and has been so different from my own, proved to be just the wake up call I was looking for. Man's search for meaning, indeed.

Lately I'd been feeling devoid of purpose, devoid of emotions, devoid of caring. I suppose you'd call that apathy, so let's call it that. The only two feelings on my spectrum seemed to be anger or sadness, and the list of subfeelings that construct and/or accompany those.

So back to the book: so far so good. Bob Geldof's life is already inspiring and he's only at the age of 16 right now. Though I do know something about him, I am finding this to be a great read. The inexplicable part of this is that I've owned this book for over four years and never read it. I heard about it, bought it on ebay (it's OOP) and then got distracted by whatever.

Distractions, huh. It doesn't surprise me that now is the time I picked it up, now when I feel like I need something more than just me to keep me away from rock bottom. It doesn't surprise me because it's one more scribbling on the list of events that led up to this moment, whether they be recent or distant.

Love, friendships, spirituality, hatred, anger, disgust, peace, tranquility... all part of life, all emotions, all fleeting, all earned, allowed, and deserved. Some things are forgotten. I suppose the events of last night, following my reading session, really have me questioning my beliefs, once again. Picking up the search for purpose or the search to cultivate my purpose when, for so long, I felt that the idea of meaning was preposterous: nothing but another chunk in a stream of vomit from those who want to control what I think. Purpose in my life, thus far, has been a scattering of small joys, but recently the joys have been increasing exponentially, maybe a bit too fast for my brain to comprehend. This message will self-destruct. But today, for all of the joy and for the sadness that every situation brings, I am thankful- to whatever or whoever I should be.

I am not sure of what I believe, but I do know what I feel and that can never be any less true than it is. The beauty of emotions, I guess, is that they just are...