talking with my closest friend.

i really can't understand it, but i love that you have these beliefs... i aspire to something of the like- something i can sink my teeth into. i felt really stupid for acting the way i did yesterday, granted i didn't "act" on anything, just felt ridiculous... that is what i was sorry for, losing my perspective. mostly sorry to myself more than to you or anyone. sorry for seeking fulfillment from anyone other than my inner self. i did some research and some youtubing on meditation practices last night. that book i've been reading about "loving him without losing you" is more about being a woman of substance than about relationships. it's been so enlightening so far- about stopping projecting your feelings of inadequacy and anger onto others, etc. there are some exercises i will try in the next while, too. i know certain things are within me, and i'm no martyr or angel, just another fuck up like everyone else who pisses me off. i piss others off, too. i feel like i'm onto something, here. i did some meditating along to one of the videos last night and i plan to do it every day, the formal stuff. i felt myself getting annoyed at something trivial last night, losing perspective again, so i stopped and breathed and focused on the now and holy shit if the annoyance washed away.

yeah. yin and yang, so true. maybe i should reestablish my connection to my tattoo, why i got it in the first place 8 years ago. the book also addressed the common trait that we learn in childhood to divide the world and ourselves into good and bad, black and white... extremes... and how that is a very distorted perception, etc. man... i feel on the cusp of something very good... and i dunno what it is...

thanks for sharing that... one of the things the guy said was that you will never know anyone, so know yourself. not your husband/wife, your kids, your friends... forget it. just enjoy the moment. and i've been trying...