my mind heart and soul feel like the rounded, barely visible pink eraser nub of a pencil. i guess they call it apathy.

one was like heroin. no matter the hurt, the rush of those few encounters were enough for me to fall in love with something that would only keep taking. putting itself before all else, a one track mind. taking care not to hurt others, he would, while repeatedly saying, "i know you can take it, " while mashing in whatever was left of romance i thought i had. and i took it because i loved him so much and cared about him before me which was foolish. i hear that song, the one that says, "you think that if you love me hard enough i might stay with you, but you're wrong." it makes me angry because i wish i could be an asshole like that. times change...

another keeps me on the outside only remembering me when he needs something. times change...

and yet another keeps me on a need to know basis, yet we have this weird... friendship thing. oddly enough, he is the only one i see being worth it. i can't explain why.

and now there's him. he who wants to know the deep me, wants a peek at my mind and soul, asks questions to get there and all i can seem to mutter is absolutely nothing. silence. fences walls crevices. when did i become this person? when does it happen, does anyone know? i thought i was paying attention, but... i honestly don't know what to say or honestly don't want to say it or, quite honestly, have nothing left to say for the time being. it's a shame because i like him and it's reciprocated and i've gone and wasted my energy on people who were not worthy.

i guess we'll see what they will call this... won't we?

anyway, enough about boys. i have two hands and my own life to live. once this spell of meh passes... giddy up!