a 'poor me' control drama.

i think i am going to have a quiet night to myself this evening. holiday be damned, i need to be alone.

i think i may need a vacation from everything.

workin' in scarb'ra
can't get no bagel out here
mcmuffin it was

i have had this great yearning once again to be in the middle of nowhere with no cities or concrete for miles. just grass, sweat, sunlight. lisa summed it up: i need a moment to slow down and just take it all in, again. this past sunday was a nice taste of what i seek: frisbee, warm breezes, beer, sunshine. however, i want about a week of that- nobody on my heels, nobody's heels to step on. the past couple nights it's felt as if my brain would never stop. bzzzzzzzzzzt ring ring beep beep woooooo thoughts whirring, can't sleep, lather rinse repeat. out singing, supposedly having a good time, did have a good time, but still... the racing mind results in paranoia results in can't sleep again results in aggression results in restless legs.

i think my close-knit group of friends all share the same feeling as me, that i feel the most whole and complete when truly and utterly alone. sounds cheese, but it's like becoming one with nature- as if the vastness and simultaneous emptiness of 'the other' is within me as much as it is without. there's no experience as great as the magnitude of nature. the immensity of what is.