as much
as i never wanted to be "that girl"... i can't wait to, um, well...ya know...
um. be that girl.
slurp.
um. be that girl.
slurp.
Labels: lick
if i had a laptop i'd have been able to tell you play-by-play that the man with one arm was coming for dr. kimble on the subway car.
but alas, i did not so time passed and channels surfed and carl lee hayley was on trial for the murder of some hillbillies who raped and tortured his little girl. ten years old.
ever since i was a kid this sort of story would enrage me. not just racial shit, but just human-to-human violence. the first time my brother showed me Menace II Society i cried and couldn't sleep for a week it disturbed me so much. but i guess my history as a child, growing up with sheople with shit in their eyes, has led me to be extra sensitive to stories that involve persecution based on racial differences. they don't always wear white hats and kiefer sutherland grins, but they send the same message- you do not belong because of who you are. who you were born as. if you were a deaf mute it wouldn't matter, as long as you're browner than milk you're up.
it's strange thinking back. thinking how far i've come and how far i have yet to go- a journey that seems never ending and probably is.
sometimes i feel as if i have lost my place to be. most times i don't know where i belong and feel that it may be a fact of my life that i will never truly belong.
but then... a ray of light. some flash of sunrise from the east. a dash of hope.
some asshole years ago, who i no longer call a friend, once said that i should try to figure out why i was so obsessed with finding a relationship at the time. i wasn't. i have never been obsessed with finding a lifetime companion. i have only ever wanted to feel belonging. most of us seek this, it's nothing special... i'm not special. i'm you, you are me, we are we and life is an accident as is everything in nature.
it is truly amazing how far you can come and still remember your wounds as if they were inflicted two minutes ago. some things never die and i'm not sure i'd want them to- they have become a vital part of who i am. a good part.
and with all that being said, it is absolutely delightful to have found someone who completely understands where i come from. it is something you can't explain with words, and one look says we both know.
there are few people in my life who get me, who know. for them i am extremely grateful.
but alas, i did not so time passed and channels surfed and carl lee hayley was on trial for the murder of some hillbillies who raped and tortured his little girl. ten years old.
ever since i was a kid this sort of story would enrage me. not just racial shit, but just human-to-human violence. the first time my brother showed me Menace II Society i cried and couldn't sleep for a week it disturbed me so much. but i guess my history as a child, growing up with sheople with shit in their eyes, has led me to be extra sensitive to stories that involve persecution based on racial differences. they don't always wear white hats and kiefer sutherland grins, but they send the same message- you do not belong because of who you are. who you were born as. if you were a deaf mute it wouldn't matter, as long as you're browner than milk you're up.
it's strange thinking back. thinking how far i've come and how far i have yet to go- a journey that seems never ending and probably is.
sometimes i feel as if i have lost my place to be. most times i don't know where i belong and feel that it may be a fact of my life that i will never truly belong.
but then... a ray of light. some flash of sunrise from the east. a dash of hope.
some asshole years ago, who i no longer call a friend, once said that i should try to figure out why i was so obsessed with finding a relationship at the time. i wasn't. i have never been obsessed with finding a lifetime companion. i have only ever wanted to feel belonging. most of us seek this, it's nothing special... i'm not special. i'm you, you are me, we are we and life is an accident as is everything in nature.
it is truly amazing how far you can come and still remember your wounds as if they were inflicted two minutes ago. some things never die and i'm not sure i'd want them to- they have become a vital part of who i am. a good part.
and with all that being said, it is absolutely delightful to have found someone who completely understands where i come from. it is something you can't explain with words, and one look says we both know.
there are few people in my life who get me, who know. for them i am extremely grateful.
brink.
tonight is one of those nights where, from the time i left work, i knew it would be an uphill battle to get home, then not go crazy when i got home. i left work angsty, a feeling that never decreases when subjected to any length of time on the TTC during rush hour. then to the grocery- more rage. then walking towards my door on our street- "excuse me, excuse me" some fucking woman who's said that to me before and i said no before she even opened her mouth. i just ignored her this time. fuck off, not today, not most days but especially not today.
then i get home to a nice quiet, peaceful apartment. WRONG!
clang clang rattle bing bang the fuckers in the alley are gonna drag their shit up and down that motherfucker all day, precious. and by day i mean night. since 6PM... drag drag drag, sounds like a bunch of cave trolls out there. then yappity yap near the back where they have their lounge conveeeeniently next to our living room/kitchen. oh oh! i forgot to mention the fucking OLIPHANT who lives upstairs and can't manage to hold anything (things always dropping), and wears high heels around the house. and when they aren't wearing heels, they're dropping shit or thudding around like they have feet made of granite.
fuck off world, i'm eating my pizza and i'm sleeping with earplugs tonight or i just, i just may lose another ounce of sanity.
in other news:
then i get home to a nice quiet, peaceful apartment. WRONG!
clang clang rattle bing bang the fuckers in the alley are gonna drag their shit up and down that motherfucker all day, precious. and by day i mean night. since 6PM... drag drag drag, sounds like a bunch of cave trolls out there. then yappity yap near the back where they have their lounge conveeeeniently next to our living room/kitchen. oh oh! i forgot to mention the fucking OLIPHANT who lives upstairs and can't manage to hold anything (things always dropping), and wears high heels around the house. and when they aren't wearing heels, they're dropping shit or thudding around like they have feet made of granite.
fuck off world, i'm eating my pizza and i'm sleeping with earplugs tonight or i just, i just may lose another ounce of sanity.
in other news:
sunday @ high park.
not in a good mood today. onset of you-know-what. crabby bundle of bitchiness right now, fueled by delicious coffee. at least i am working from home and don't have to go outside if i don't want to. i feel as if i just need some alone time, maybe i'll go to the island this weekend, sometime. since i came back late sunday night it's been go go go, do do do, which is good but now with the onset of STUFF i just want to be alooooooooooone.
anyway. gots some work to do.
catalog #5 to be sent to the printer tomorrow...
later.
anyway. gots some work to do.
catalog #5 to be sent to the printer tomorrow...
later.
so i am back from vacation and feel utterly relaxed and focused. incredible what a week off the grid can do for the mind, body, soul...
since returning on sunday around midnight i've managed to plan trip #2 to the same destination, as well as registering my business name and posting an ad for my services. high five me.
feeling peaceful inside and courageous and not afraid to express myself. i feel so in sync with the flow of life, as if nothing can touch me, i'm teflon, mannnn. can't touch this! yeah. had a lot of time to think and reflect and then not think at all.
i spent the week in rural quebec with my boyfriend at his family's cottage. it's on an island and has a wee beach to itself, accessible only by boat. so we filled each day with good meals, as much sunshine as the rain clouds would allow, and exploration of our surroundings. it was an eye-opener spending a week with someone whose company you enjoy, for the first time. by the end of the week i wasn't dying to come home, either, i was wishing i could stay. it's been a while. i like him.
anyway, the highlight of the trip was definitely the midnight boat ride to the middle of the lake to see the stars. incredible. upon our return we found our kerosene lamp had flickered out so it was a team effort to redock the boat with a flashlight. awesome! i highly recommend doing this.
can't wait to go back...
one of the ladies we spoke to over the course of the trip, friend's of P.'s family since he was a baby, told us that a pro diver had gone down in the lake in search of a plane crash. it turned out he was searching in the wrong area, but that he did find a spot that was 650 or so feet deep... and said that if people saw what he saw down there they would never swim in the lake. apparently there were giant water snakes and fish he'd never seen before... and this was coming from a seasoned diver.
scary!
aside from lake lore, i was also privy to the politics surrounding the region- as well as environmental stuff including the areas containing blue algae. yikes.
i have about 300 pics to sort through, a quick run through last night tells me there are about 50 or so good ones worth posting so i will when i have them edited.
but yes... a week surrounded by nature and no hustling bustling idiots trying to run you over so they can catch the subway- it was bliss.
and i gots planZZ for the next while... you will see, precious...
since returning on sunday around midnight i've managed to plan trip #2 to the same destination, as well as registering my business name and posting an ad for my services. high five me.
feeling peaceful inside and courageous and not afraid to express myself. i feel so in sync with the flow of life, as if nothing can touch me, i'm teflon, mannnn. can't touch this! yeah. had a lot of time to think and reflect and then not think at all.
i spent the week in rural quebec with my boyfriend at his family's cottage. it's on an island and has a wee beach to itself, accessible only by boat. so we filled each day with good meals, as much sunshine as the rain clouds would allow, and exploration of our surroundings. it was an eye-opener spending a week with someone whose company you enjoy, for the first time. by the end of the week i wasn't dying to come home, either, i was wishing i could stay. it's been a while. i like him.
anyway, the highlight of the trip was definitely the midnight boat ride to the middle of the lake to see the stars. incredible. upon our return we found our kerosene lamp had flickered out so it was a team effort to redock the boat with a flashlight. awesome! i highly recommend doing this.
can't wait to go back...
one of the ladies we spoke to over the course of the trip, friend's of P.'s family since he was a baby, told us that a pro diver had gone down in the lake in search of a plane crash. it turned out he was searching in the wrong area, but that he did find a spot that was 650 or so feet deep... and said that if people saw what he saw down there they would never swim in the lake. apparently there were giant water snakes and fish he'd never seen before... and this was coming from a seasoned diver.
scary!
aside from lake lore, i was also privy to the politics surrounding the region- as well as environmental stuff including the areas containing blue algae. yikes.
i have about 300 pics to sort through, a quick run through last night tells me there are about 50 or so good ones worth posting so i will when i have them edited.
but yes... a week surrounded by nature and no hustling bustling idiots trying to run you over so they can catch the subway- it was bliss.
and i gots planZZ for the next while... you will see, precious...
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