posted by me at Wednesday, December 23, 2009

if you draw attention to yourself, then will people not look? what then is the intention if attention was not the reward for your actions? i often wonder... i do, i swear, i like totally wonder sometimes. about stuff.

people are such strange creatures. i had the thought the other day about the self and personality, etc. i wonder (there's that word again) why it is so seemingly odd to only be seen as oneself when one is 'constant'. is there some sort of validation in always being the same, does the rest of the world see your consistency as a rewarding effort... an act of valiancy? why can't i be fifty different people when that is exactly how i feel from day to day... i wonder...

'cause sometimes it's a day for a house party and i can be the life, with wit, vim, vigour... many adjectives. some days i simply sit in the corner feeling shy and silly for being That Awkward Girl™. some days i smoke too much pot in combination with booze and there you go- the stupids.

but that's beside my point: people in society seem to have some unspoken obligation to be consistent in their personality, even if that is not their personality. it's as if you are invalidated when you don't treat something the same way that you did before. why is that?

maybe 'cause we all have the stupids OF LIFE and have no idea what we're fucking doing except to say that we are doing something.

or maybe it's because we're all capitalist society dwelling motherfuckers.

or maybe it's because i don't actually have a third point and sometimes we all just say shit to hear ourselves speak.

but it still remains, above all else, that if you crave attention and work towards that goal it will be brought upon you. don't curse at it, don't kick that glue factory in the mouth, but relish in what you bring onto yourself. why? because i say so and i am always right.

just ask God.

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Darrrrrling...

posted by me at Friday, December 11, 2009


...eet's veenter.

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with every new change.

posted by me at Tuesday, December 08, 2009



so here i am, it's 1:30 in the morning and i can;t sleep. motivation and inspiration breed new hurdles. being excited about the possibilities to come, coupled with the opening up of the mind to grand ideas, tripled with the absolute joy in seeing a dearest loved one set his soul ablaze... my brain is too full to sleep!

and here it is: another hurdle to overcome, the getting to sleep part of an activity-filled, creatively driven day. gotta keep on top of that exercise thing, keep the body nice and physically exhausted so that sleep is not an effort but a soothing reward for a hard day's work (both mentally and physically).

i wrote to L. earlier that i feel as if i am once again on track with goals and aspirations. i also feel, post boyfriend stroke, that i am more than ever able to accomplish what i want in life. not only because i've learned that i am as resourceful and able as i thought i could be when shit hits the fan, but also that he is a most wonderful companion. he loves me dearly and sees my passion, he sees my soul when he looks at me... and encourages me to be an independent being. it is amazing to be a part of something so mutual. he inspires me to do because that is who he has always been, a doer, and i encourage patience and organization. we're a good team! i have been resisting the urge to gush as of late, but after such a rough emotional patch, it is wonderful, simply wonderful to have what we do. soul siblings.

now, more than ever, i am ready for what i have always dreamed of- and i'm gonna get it. time to man up and be a leader.

"success is not the result of spontaneous combustion-- you must set yourself on fire."

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posted by me at Thursday, December 03, 2009

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