sometimes it's nice to spend money on things.

i just bought a couple new clothing items to enhance my sense of self. mission accomplished. though i am not blue nor am i self-focused... well, not egotistical, rather. self-focused isn't a bad thing.

anxiety & tirededness.

i cannot do anymore work at this time.

none.

can't.

i need:

-a bottle of wine
-a night out of the house
-a plane ticket to easter island

busy busy little bee.

so it's almost july and the weather is finally cooperating with our calendar. this comes just in time for the re-emergence of my passion for biking, i love it so. the breeze in your hair, the open space, the lack of confinement... feels like i'm flying. i'm flying jack!

sooooo, anyway. this weekend i plan to make time for a couple long rides and will probably trek out to east york to catch the don trails back into the city. on wednesday i finished all of my work and went out on the lakeshore trail westbound towards the humber bridge, it was glorrrrious to be out enjoying the 28+ weather and bright sunshine and (hopefully) picking up some color. i am almost transparent from winter. when i was a kid (and still) i get sort of a greenish hue when i get too pale, and my mother would tell me that i look like a gecko. sigh.

in other news, aside from finding time for leisure, i am busy and looking forward to the end of next week. the magazine i work on has another issue due by july 5th, and i'm on a tight schedule thus far. the person who was to assist me had seemingly bailed; i had not heard from her in over a week so i just went with my safe-plan of doing enough every night so i would finish all on my onesies. however, she did get in touch with me last night... and we're working things out... sigh again. so that will pretty much take up most of my home time this weekend and next week.

work is in a bit of a lull, graphically speaking, but not for long. next week i get to double up on the layout stuff as i start to put together yet another catalog to be completed by the end of august.

so things are busy in aimooland, but fear not, if it's one thing i know how to do it is to have fun! i have booked a vacation finally. i usually trek to minneapolis in the summer, but said fuck it this year due to airfare and the fact that, well, i always go there. my new friend P invited me to his cottage in quebec for a few days at the beginning of august, so i will be heading there at some point during civic holiday weekend. i've booked a rental car for the week and will also hit a houseparty/bbq at my friends' place in port colbourne prior to that. fun indeed. can't wait!

oh, and on the 18th i am working a wedding in hamilton, and who knows if others will pop up for the month of july.

fuck! gotta make room for biking or i think i will explode.

that's about it for now, i'm going to do some shopping in kensington this weekend, i am sick of eating frozen pea/carrot/corn mix from dominion and tofu. need some variation, and this paycheque/budget allows for it.

anyway, better get back to that work thing. yay?

sundaze.

and the day ended with beer...

i sent him a note.

never assume. you know, for every one giant fucking asshole that comes my way, i seem to meet someone who embodies the goodness of at least five people. maybe six.

i can, without a doubt, say that i am blessed. by what i dunno, but i feel... lucky, tonight. for everyone in my life whom i hold dear.

alright, enough sap. iss bedtime, mang.

it is... refreshing and strange to begin to realize your own potential. in so, so many ways. seems like i've worked and waited for this for a long time.

more later.

i am currently on the phone with a woman who was inquiring about a prenatal development dvd, she wanted to know if it is exactly as it was when she saw it on TV a while back. she didn't want the exact presentation because it shows, and i quote:

"you know... the woman 'up top'... you might not want to show that in mixed company, ya know? showing too much of...uh... the, uh... woman's anatomy (chuckle) you know what i'm talking about?"

well, i am hoping i get it... just applied for a volunteer poisition for a space mag around toronto. they publish quarterly and it would be another great addition to the ol' portfolio. it was an older posting, though, so let's hope it's still available...

annnnnnnnnnd it's a remote/work from home thing. w00t.

and now this- the ugliest top i have ever ever everrrrr seen. what were they thinking? no wonder it's on sale... good LAWD! i bet they sold zero.


only $25 and you too can look like discount female shakespeare-kinda.

there are a lot of feelings inside of me i have never dealt with, and still don't seem to know how. a lot of anger that i don't know how to express, a lot of sadness i feel is never acceptable among my friends, and a bunch of other stuff people never want to talk about.

people are always only one step away from the door. i miss him, but i can't go there. this whole post was basically me avoiding saying that i miss him in my life.

ever get the feeling that you are entirely full of shit? heh... me too...

i try to keep composure on the subway, but sometimes it's all too much: lack of sleep crazies combined with actual crazies, pacing up and down the subway car from kennedy to yonge, not enough leg room... i dunno. everything! why is that guy breathing so hard icanhearhisliungsabsorbingtheoxygenforfuckssake.

but a simple call from your bro and a cheap dinner matinée @ the rex can fix all. now, for that sleep thing (but first, we photograph!).

settling, picky, or destined loner?

this whole dating thing never sat right with me. it still feels weird. and as soon as i get close to whatever it is, i look for things wrong and start picking away in my head. chip chip chip hack, mining for pieces of the present. when i don't have it, i feel like it's the answer and when it comes along i feel like i constantly need to shower.

so this time around, while trying to progress as a person and approach new situations with new people a little bit differently, i am unsure if it is old habits attempting to die hard, or if i really am just not blown away and settling and if that voice in the back of my head whispering little warnings is right, or scared...?

expectations can be bad, but i think mostly they are a good thing. they are the parameters for the standards of living or whatever that we set for ourselves... fences to keep out the swine... i think they become a problem when people are unwilling to readjust their expectations, seeing them as something set in stone. life isn't about rules and regulations. every billionth of a second* provides another moment in which you can recalculate and reevaluate. there is no formula to making sure everyone you let in will fit your needs in the long run, you just gotta run long and hope for the best and never ever reveal your bottom line.

love and dating is a business negotiation: how can both parties be contented at the end of each day? compromise. accepting some defeat for the greater good. being an emotional communist.

*there is not scientific proof that "the moment" has any particular time value. it has been argued that there is no such thing as "the moment" and that all life exists in the past or the future, though this has not yet been successfully proven in syllogistic form.

cell phone picture montage.

uh...yum.

if what you expected
isn't what you get
something untested
something reset
then i've done my job
no change
no bets
only rainwater
rivulets

Sometimes you can't speak about your mind, so you write about it.

Today on the bus on the way home from visiting the folks I noticed the seatbelt strap for wheelchairs staring at me from the corner of my eye. Yes, it was staring- for that split second between noticing something and processing it for what it actually is, I believed it to be a one-eyed metallic creature with a gaping maw poking out from the interior wall of the bus.

Shit like that happens to me all the time, perhaps the byproduct of an overactive imagination, but I really do see these things... I suppose the easiest, most plain way I can put it is that I always see things in other things. Generally my first perception of something isn't at all forced and with an ever-so-slightly skewed perspective, an everyday object turns into an alien-face.

Maybe I should explain that, huh?

I have this Janis Joplin poster on my wall, oversized close-up of her at some festival shaking maracas and being all musical. Well during the night, sometimes, I'll wake up and for a second or two I see the face of an alien... and many others things, from time to time, that we dare not mention.

It's the one behind me, here:

We won't even get into the Hallucinogenic Torreador poster that used to hang in my room... or the Chat Noir poster whose eyebrows, on those extra special nights, would seem like they were frowning more than usual. Eyes more slanty, more villainy, more out to get me.

Strange thoughts come to those who are tired, or... other.

But who's to say those things aren't hidden within these photos? Because they were not intended images doesn't mean they are not valid, does it? Intention isn't everything, that we know. That I know. Sometimes I am truly convinced that everything we experience, whether known, accepted, or whatever, is entirely based on perception, not just partially. Some things seem solid, seem concrete, seem like they'll never change... but then particles shift, vibrations are out of sync, and everything that seemed so clear is suddenly so wrong... and another picture emerges to take its place.

But is this picture the intended one? All that other stuff surely must have been night visions, paranoid thoughts of an underslept being, intoxicated brain farts...yet, they all seemed so very real. Split seconds or eons, it doesn't really matter because you saw what you saw and you believed it... time seems incongruous with what is.

Who knows.

most days life goes on as usual and you do your thing and think your thoughts and everything is as it has to be. some days i feel stuck... inside of a machine. all i know are the cogs, i was born here and have no idea what this machine does except move forward and require a lot of energy. i don't know what it looks like from the outside and i am not sure i ever will.

reading the news is a painful necessity if you refuse to live in oblivion. i read this today after consuming dinner at mandarin last night (my friend's choice and it was her dinner, so...). while there i did think about it a bit, but after reading that and considering the whole experience, i remember why i stopped going to places like that a while ago. garbage bags of food get thrown out every night- including most dishes containing all of staple foods that some starving countries can barely afford, these days. breaded, deep fried; flour, corn, soy... you know the drill. but it's unavoidable in all aspects of life, what do you do when you want to escape? you can't. grocery stores throw out heaps of products gone bad, restaurants everywhere throw away piles of food daily, factories discard pies with odd shapes because... well, simply because they are different than specified. some days all i can see is how fucked the world is and how, with each step in a seemingly positive direction, you end up stepping into another red zone.

i feel gluttonous and disgusting. i feel wasteful and privileged. i hate that people choose to ignore the things in the news that matter most, while obsessing over the next president of the USA- the next president clone. who the fuck cares? in the year 3000 i doubt the cockroaches will be worried about who will lead them, just where to find the next feast... and that's part of the frustration- it does matter. the next president matters because everything is intertwined in this fucked up, and dreadfully boring/annoying bureaucratic way. it's nature within nature, a plastic ecosystem of sorts, bla bla bla.

everything is illusion... nothing is what was intended because nature has no intent.

anyway, back to work. another day, another dollar.

shmupdate.

things in aimoo land are on the rise towards better. despite this gross, lethargic, nausea-laden cold i seem to be coming down with... i feel okay about life, at the moment.

my friend D. returned from where he was and so it's been nice having him back as a daily bouncing board for crazy ideas, off the cuff remarks, and general tomfoolery/good discussion about life's mysteries.

i've successfully managed to start pushing back the pressures of debt and am seeing some small light at the end of, at least, this tunnel. adjusting your lifestyle is never easy, but my waistline is also thankful for the stoppage of the eating out... hellooooo belt loop on the far inside that i made with a knife last year- oh how i've missed using you.

last week was a full one with a magazine meeting, the concert on thursday, friday night birthday shenanigans for a friend, etc. i feel like i need a weekend from my weekend, but that's nothing new. the only difference between weeknights and weekends these days is the addition of work.

no vacation planned this summer due to getting myself in check, and i plan to use some of the time to organize my business. wedding money will pay for registration and perhaps some initial printing costs on some promo ideas i have (top secret, you idea stealing swine).

still seeing dude, dunno how that's gonna go, trying to let go and not think in terms of finality all the time. it's so easy, because it's always been my formula, to fall into the trap of thinking you have to choose and that it has to be now and that all decisions made now will be forever. yeah, so... so far so good, but there are days. ain't nothin' wrong with slow.

hm. i'm kinda hungry now. the nausea has worn off, but not before it seized my dinner... to the kitch'mobile!

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