protecting yourself vs. hardening.
can you walk that fine line? you as in anyone?
i find myself thinking about it lately, quite a bit. i am a softy. i am an emotional person who tears up at sentimental scenes in fresh prince, for fuck's sake. but then there's the side of me that wants to protect what i know to be vulnerable and beautiful. quiddity must be preserved. i find it a hard line to walk some days because the easy way would be to become a hard ass who gives what she gets, but i don't want that for myself.
i always assumed growing older would mean growing harder, but it seems growing older has brought me more wisdom... to navigate through the bullshit while maintaining my soft, sensitive nature and actually learning to cherish it. i have come to accept that i can never be vindictive or purposely cruel or even very cruel in reaction to people who have hurt me. it's just not in my nature and even if i was wronged, i don't feel that continuing the cycle of Assholeism™ helps anyone.
i'm no martyr, i would never claim that. i just feel as if i would be failing myself if i were to act towards others the way they act towards me.
i guess what i'm saying in a long-winded way is that i no longer see my sensitivity and loving nature as a weakness. I did for a very long time... most of my life, actually- i used to think being thoughtful and generous only ever got you walked on and that i'd need to stop being that person to keep myself safe. however, now that i have the courage to be me and to shoot down the negative shit, i have come to see that the love i carry within me is indeed my greatest strength.
i find myself thinking about it lately, quite a bit. i am a softy. i am an emotional person who tears up at sentimental scenes in fresh prince, for fuck's sake. but then there's the side of me that wants to protect what i know to be vulnerable and beautiful. quiddity must be preserved. i find it a hard line to walk some days because the easy way would be to become a hard ass who gives what she gets, but i don't want that for myself.
i always assumed growing older would mean growing harder, but it seems growing older has brought me more wisdom... to navigate through the bullshit while maintaining my soft, sensitive nature and actually learning to cherish it. i have come to accept that i can never be vindictive or purposely cruel or even very cruel in reaction to people who have hurt me. it's just not in my nature and even if i was wronged, i don't feel that continuing the cycle of Assholeism™ helps anyone.
i'm no martyr, i would never claim that. i just feel as if i would be failing myself if i were to act towards others the way they act towards me.
i guess what i'm saying in a long-winded way is that i no longer see my sensitivity and loving nature as a weakness. I did for a very long time... most of my life, actually- i used to think being thoughtful and generous only ever got you walked on and that i'd need to stop being that person to keep myself safe. however, now that i have the courage to be me and to shoot down the negative shit, i have come to see that the love i carry within me is indeed my greatest strength.
Labels: yadda
http://www.thebricktestament.com/
hey hey, wanna hear a good story? so last night i walked down to the horseshoe bla bla bla, met p. and we were standing at the front talking before going next door to see a friend do the open mic (the bands we wanted to see had played already). so as i'm standing there at the 'shoe my hand feels wet, wee bit sticky... i think nothing of it, it was raining out and i figured it was just wet combined with random bar goo. we go next door after a few minutes of me drying my hand on my pants. next door we settle, i put down my stuff and go to the washroom... look down... both hands covered in blood. and i mean covered... pants are all bloody up the side where i was wiping them...yeesh! i figured if anyone asked i'd tell them... "i had to kill a man on the way here..."
somewhere, i dunno where, i had gashed my thumb... about an inch long, but deep... it was bleeding for a good 10 minutes or so until i compressed it. gross.
thank proctor and gamble for spray'n'wash!
~fin~
somewhere, i dunno where, i had gashed my thumb... about an inch long, but deep... it was bleeding for a good 10 minutes or so until i compressed it. gross.
thank proctor and gamble for spray'n'wash!
~fin~
scary planet.
i got this message from a distraught friend the other day...
"So, do you remember that guy I dated a year or so ago? His name was ****. You met him once at ****'s and we all went out for sushi, with **** and some of his martial arts buddies. Small guy with reddish hair?
Anyway, I found out yesterday that he's been charged with first degree murder. Apparently he killed a guy and chopped him up and buried him in his back-yard.
Awesome. I have great taste."
you're welcome.
----
it's an all-round bleh day. didn't sleep very well last night and am emotion-allll and edgy. tick tick. plus the boss is in a mood, too, and i keep dropping everything.
but the weekend was fab. i got to pretend to be a part of high society on saturday when P. and i went to the ballet. i wore my brown satin strapless dress and felt like a million bucks, a nice change from the day-to-day torn jeans and runners/can't afford clothing at all syndrome. i wish $5 shirts and $10 jeans were something i could get by with, but the tallness requires longer pants, and not old navy or levi's fake tall (34" inseam)... very tall, as in 38". you heard me.
this boring post has been brought to you by Lack of Sleep™ and Greasy Muffin Breakfast™.
"So, do you remember that guy I dated a year or so ago? His name was ****. You met him once at ****'s and we all went out for sushi, with **** and some of his martial arts buddies. Small guy with reddish hair?
Anyway, I found out yesterday that he's been charged with first degree murder. Apparently he killed a guy and chopped him up and buried him in his back-yard.
Awesome. I have great taste."
you're welcome.
----
it's an all-round bleh day. didn't sleep very well last night and am emotion-allll and edgy. tick tick. plus the boss is in a mood, too, and i keep dropping everything.
but the weekend was fab. i got to pretend to be a part of high society on saturday when P. and i went to the ballet. i wore my brown satin strapless dress and felt like a million bucks, a nice change from the day-to-day torn jeans and runners/can't afford clothing at all syndrome. i wish $5 shirts and $10 jeans were something i could get by with, but the tallness requires longer pants, and not old navy or levi's fake tall (34" inseam)... very tall, as in 38". you heard me.
this boring post has been brought to you by Lack of Sleep™ and Greasy Muffin Breakfast™.
@ the disco
maybe i'm behind the rest of yas...
but i came across these people today, and i like them.
http://www.myspace.com/fleetfoxes
http://www.myspace.com/fleetfoxes
some people can write...
GATE
In order to pass through the Third gate
I had to climb a ladder
made out of icicles
shoved into the hearts
of the people I loved
but having no choice, okay, I did.
In order to get through the Fourth gate,
I had to swim through a lake of sewage
made out of my self-contempt,
the thick crust and the repellent stink,
and in order to get through the Fifth,
I had to turn that waste
into a nourishing barley soup
with no hint that it was ever shit.
Then the Seventh gate was hard
because it consisted
of standing perfectly still
while letting myself be loved---
a sensation of flies
crawling over my face
for minutes more like years
until it felt, finally,
like something right,
like somewhere I could live.
Which brought me to gate number Eight:
spring night, a figure crying on a bed--
and breeze blowing through the windowscreen,
bearing the scent of flowers
from the mountain--
to bathe and comfort her,
doing the job that once was mine.
-Tony Hoagland
http://www.poetrymagazine.com/archives/2002/June2002/hoagland.htm
In order to pass through the Third gate
I had to climb a ladder
made out of icicles
shoved into the hearts
of the people I loved
but having no choice, okay, I did.
In order to get through the Fourth gate,
I had to swim through a lake of sewage
made out of my self-contempt,
the thick crust and the repellent stink,
and in order to get through the Fifth,
I had to turn that waste
into a nourishing barley soup
with no hint that it was ever shit.
Then the Seventh gate was hard
because it consisted
of standing perfectly still
while letting myself be loved---
a sensation of flies
crawling over my face
for minutes more like years
until it felt, finally,
like something right,
like somewhere I could live.
Which brought me to gate number Eight:
spring night, a figure crying on a bed--
and breeze blowing through the windowscreen,
bearing the scent of flowers
from the mountain--
to bathe and comfort her,
doing the job that once was mine.
-Tony Hoagland
http://www.poetrymagazine.com/archives/2002/June2002/hoagland.htm
soft golden glow
tucked away from the snow
doing backstrokes
in the sunday ether
(snap, snap, snapsnap)
best last minute meal/lunch.
so last night i came home from swimming, starving. today being payday, i invented a quick meal with what was left in the fridge (and repeated for lunch today, and am currently chewing).
it's a mix of polenta slices, crushed tomatoes (chunky), medium cheddar, some oregano/salt/pepper, and a dollop of fat free sour cream.
i am very pleased with this, can you tell?
here is a picture of polenta, in case you do not know what it is:
and here's a description of what it actually is (one of the few "tube foods" i will ever eat)(shut up):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polenta
i prefer to cut slices off and fry them, stove-top, in olive oil and seasoning, then add ingredients. you can also cook it until it turns to the mushier version of itself.
and it costs $2.50 for the whole tube! awright!
WHOA, deep fried polenta... i am dying over here...
it's a mix of polenta slices, crushed tomatoes (chunky), medium cheddar, some oregano/salt/pepper, and a dollop of fat free sour cream.
i am very pleased with this, can you tell?
here is a picture of polenta, in case you do not know what it is:
and here's a description of what it actually is (one of the few "tube foods" i will ever eat)(shut up):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polenta
i prefer to cut slices off and fry them, stove-top, in olive oil and seasoning, then add ingredients. you can also cook it until it turns to the mushier version of itself.
and it costs $2.50 for the whole tube! awright!
WHOA, deep fried polenta... i am dying over here...
quick thought.
over the weekend i went to a great house party, everyone was friendly and sociable. we stayed until 6am, it was so much fun... but, as with most parties, out comes the coke.
it is a weird, ravenous drug. the people who snort remind me of vampires... all night, waiting around the mirrored table for the next line. the more i see people doing it, the less i ever want to try it, and don't think i ever will. i don't think i'm better than people who use occasionally, i smoke pot and occasionally, cigarettes. i drink. i have my vices. i just... there's something weird about it, to me. maybe it's just so foreign to me, maybe it's the vampire effect, or maybe it is simply that the idea of snorting something up my nose gives me the willies. i can barely handle pool water-by-accident.
the reasons people give for using are interesting, too. primarily the need for more energy while waltzing into the wee hours of the morning (which is bullshit, i don't use it and i was alert and had fun). it's like there's some internal shame going on... some need for justification? i mean, i smoke pot 'cause i like how it feels to be high on pot. i drink sometimes because i like how alcohol makes me feel. i don't feel guilty about either and i never make excuses for it, or use it as an excuse for my behaviour.
my friend D. said to me that when you do it, you lose a part of yourself that you never get back. knowing him and all he's done and been through, i trust that.
weird culture...
it is a weird, ravenous drug. the people who snort remind me of vampires... all night, waiting around the mirrored table for the next line. the more i see people doing it, the less i ever want to try it, and don't think i ever will. i don't think i'm better than people who use occasionally, i smoke pot and occasionally, cigarettes. i drink. i have my vices. i just... there's something weird about it, to me. maybe it's just so foreign to me, maybe it's the vampire effect, or maybe it is simply that the idea of snorting something up my nose gives me the willies. i can barely handle pool water-by-accident.
the reasons people give for using are interesting, too. primarily the need for more energy while waltzing into the wee hours of the morning (which is bullshit, i don't use it and i was alert and had fun). it's like there's some internal shame going on... some need for justification? i mean, i smoke pot 'cause i like how it feels to be high on pot. i drink sometimes because i like how alcohol makes me feel. i don't feel guilty about either and i never make excuses for it, or use it as an excuse for my behaviour.
my friend D. said to me that when you do it, you lose a part of yourself that you never get back. knowing him and all he's done and been through, i trust that.
weird culture...
myspace gifs.
awwwright. i guess she has machine guns in them there breastses, and an alien in her bellay?
travels
overheard by someone else on the ttc, 3AM:
dude walks on the bus, i know right away, my spidey sense is tingling, sure enough he says he's met me before. mm hmm.
i squint at him and look confused because i remember everything and know i have not met this person before.
"Do you hang out in this neighbourhood often?"
"Not really..."
...silence for a minute or so...
"You're a very pretty girl."
"Thank you..."
"Do you have a boyfriend?" (mm hmm)
"Yep."
"Guess I'm out of luck then, huh?"
"Yeah."
...silence for three minutes, he opens his book and pretends to read things inside, i snoop his eyes because i know he isn't reading shit but thinking of what to say next...
"Are you Spanish?"
"Nope."
"Indian? Italian?"
"Nope."
"Where are you from?"
"My family is from Trinidad."
"Ahh..." (muttering and he turns around again...)
Then fucking finally it was my stop. Oddly enough, another coincidence, lisa and i were discussing this exact thing earlier in the evening. some guys don't seem to get it- it's 3AM, i am tired and a girl traveling alone, if i am non-responsive it's because i don't want to invite potential creeps into my space right about now (or ever), and i just want to go home. I don't like being rude, but jesus take a hint.
like i said last night, it's like those people who stop in the middle of doorways 'cause they remembered something at the last minute- it's not intentional that you're being a dick, but for fuck's sake THINK BEFORE YOU ACT... come on. just two seconds of thought. one? half? anything... the world will take anything...
dude walks on the bus, i know right away, my spidey sense is tingling, sure enough he says he's met me before. mm hmm.
i squint at him and look confused because i remember everything and know i have not met this person before.
"Do you hang out in this neighbourhood often?"
"Not really..."
...silence for a minute or so...
"You're a very pretty girl."
"Thank you..."
"Do you have a boyfriend?" (mm hmm)
"Yep."
"Guess I'm out of luck then, huh?"
"Yeah."
...silence for three minutes, he opens his book and pretends to read things inside, i snoop his eyes because i know he isn't reading shit but thinking of what to say next...
"Are you Spanish?"
"Nope."
"Indian? Italian?"
"Nope."
"Where are you from?"
"My family is from Trinidad."
"Ahh..." (muttering and he turns around again...)
Then fucking finally it was my stop. Oddly enough, another coincidence, lisa and i were discussing this exact thing earlier in the evening. some guys don't seem to get it- it's 3AM, i am tired and a girl traveling alone, if i am non-responsive it's because i don't want to invite potential creeps into my space right about now (or ever), and i just want to go home. I don't like being rude, but jesus take a hint.
like i said last night, it's like those people who stop in the middle of doorways 'cause they remembered something at the last minute- it's not intentional that you're being a dick, but for fuck's sake THINK BEFORE YOU ACT... come on. just two seconds of thought. one? half? anything... the world will take anything...
Labels: bwainssss
so much still to learn
thousands of years
of cognitive tick-tocking
nothing and everything
them and us
me and you
me versus you
me or you?
me with you
flight flight flight, fuck the fight
we're still running
and the bookshelves can't catch up
thousands of years
of cognitive tick-tocking
nothing and everything
them and us
me and you
me versus you
me or you?
me with you
flight flight flight, fuck the fight
we're still running
and the bookshelves can't catch up
you samons are all the same: no faith in the essential decency of the White Man's culture.
like johann sebastian
p.s. comments are back
heavy exhalation a.k.a. sigh.
there are people in my facebook who are always, uh, 'statused' as something directed and dramatic. "so-and-so is SO tired of the bullshit. you know who you are!" and so forth.
i wonder how effective this is? do people actually fear the Facebook Status Attack™? are bridges rebuilt and personalities changed forever due to passive aggressiveness? probably not. i wonder if this works in getting people laid?
"so-and-so is tired of small dicks. you know who you are!"
i dunno.
there is one in particular who is always drama. always. shit is always going down, my friends. you heard me: shit is going down.
i wonder how effective this is? do people actually fear the Facebook Status Attack™? are bridges rebuilt and personalities changed forever due to passive aggressiveness? probably not. i wonder if this works in getting people laid?
"so-and-so is tired of small dicks. you know who you are!"
i dunno.
there is one in particular who is always drama. always. shit is always going down, my friends. you heard me: shit is going down.
Labels: go up, shit... go up
Archives
- March 2007
- April 2007
- May 2007
- June 2007
- July 2007
- August 2007
- September 2007
- October 2007
- November 2007
- December 2007
- January 2008
- February 2008
- March 2008
- April 2008
- May 2008
- June 2008
- July 2008
- August 2008
- September 2008
- October 2008
- November 2008
- December 2008
- January 2009
- February 2009
- March 2009
- April 2009
- May 2009
- June 2009
- July 2009
- August 2009
- October 2009
- November 2009
- December 2009
- January 2010
- February 2010
- March 2010
- April 2010
- May 2010
- August 2010
- November 2010
- January 2011
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home