a week of lack of sleep and its february and i, in all honesty, feel insane. completely and utterly. the best part is not caring at all. i just want to go home, play snood for six hours, go to sleep and repeat. no thinking. no moving. nothing. nothing feels right.
some people say s.a.d. isn't real, but anyone who's experienced it knows it is very real... kinda like people who ask depressives to "snap out of it" or people who tell the overweight to "just eat less"... you don't know 'til you've gone there. you really don't.
sigh.
i had all these profound thoughts on the way home, about cagefighting, about how it is carefully planned self-destructive behaviour... build this body to perfect health to give another person a chance to beat the shit out of it. w00t!
...but now all i can think about is how we live beneath a herd of oliphants.
...but now all i can think about is how we live beneath a herd of oliphants.
it is so refreshing...
...to meet someone who actually asks how i am doing today. in this fucking shit world where everyone is an asshole out for personal gain... well it's very nice to know some people don't buy into that and realize helping each other out is far more fulfilling than being selfish.
absolutely refreshing.
missed connection
me: trying to leave the liquor store
you: standing in my way, attempting to give me props, wishing me a happy valentine's day, me saying "thanks man" and walking away briskly when i found a path around you, yelling after me that you know it's a day late, rambling incoherently as i walked away and yelling "bumba clot'!"
wanna get some pizza?
you: standing in my way, attempting to give me props, wishing me a happy valentine's day, me saying "thanks man" and walking away briskly when i found a path around you, yelling after me that you know it's a day late, rambling incoherently as i walked away and yelling "bumba clot'!"
wanna get some pizza?
i stood there waiting to cross and heard my name called:
"aimee?"
so i turn and around and who is but her. un-fucking-believable. life is weird.
"aimee?"
so i turn and around and who is but her. un-fucking-believable. life is weird.
can't be bothered.
you'd think if i wasn't so bothered, i wouldn't bother at all- so the mere fact that this post exists is testament to the fact that i do give at least two shits, if no two and a half. high school is not life, folks, elementary school is life- the years that really form who you are, or at least who you'll resist becoming until the bell tolls. no matter how long has past, some things still haunt the memory... and the soul...
a couple days ago, i thought about my existence up north, then brushed it off without another thought. well, today for whatever hidden reason, my brain suggested (around 4pm) that i search for those few people who i once had on myspace to see what they were up to. upon being a true-to-form internet nerd i looked at this one dude's pics and found something i guess i'd overlooked before. a while back i realized what the fuck is wrong with me? and i deleted them all because really, moving on? yeah. so i went back as i am wont to do on days when i feel like complete shit, totally worthless and uninteresting. i found a picture in his profile of all of them gathered in 2006, somewhere, some place, beers in hand. three people i wished to call my friends during my childhood, but never could call them that for they were complete and utter cunts.
so i took a look at the pic, and underneath it one of the girls had posted a comment that got the hair on my back raised. she said something to the effect of, "if aimee sees this she'll be PISSED, maybe that's her behind my head? she did have short black hair, right? hahahahaha."
if you knew what i went through and you knew the full history you'd know exactly what the snide, snarky bitch was saying betwixt the lines. the comment was made in 2006 and i think that was the year i'd suggested we grab a beer sometime figuring we'd all grown up by now.
WRONG. so fucking wrong. i'd like to say that people don't change and to never expect it, but they do... i am living proof as well as so many others i know. i guess you have to want to not be a complete barbie-look-a-like-jerkoff before you can actually become someone decent.
so, yeah, it did piss me off- but not to see them together without me. duh, i have my own group of friends and my own life... after all, it is fifteen years later. beer was a passing thought. i am pissed off because they think that i would give a shit and that somehow my life still revolved around them. i would really like to inform them otherwise- but i don't feel it's worth the effort.
so, to anyone who knew me when i lived there, and finds this page somehow, a big fat fuck you and that's all.
i take comfort in knowing that i am not and was never an exclusionary asshole, and after some careful yelling inside my head to the tune of metallica, i've come to be at ease. let them have their ego, i care not.
a couple days ago, i thought about my existence up north, then brushed it off without another thought. well, today for whatever hidden reason, my brain suggested (around 4pm) that i search for those few people who i once had on myspace to see what they were up to. upon being a true-to-form internet nerd i looked at this one dude's pics and found something i guess i'd overlooked before. a while back i realized what the fuck is wrong with me? and i deleted them all because really, moving on? yeah. so i went back as i am wont to do on days when i feel like complete shit, totally worthless and uninteresting. i found a picture in his profile of all of them gathered in 2006, somewhere, some place, beers in hand. three people i wished to call my friends during my childhood, but never could call them that for they were complete and utter cunts.
so i took a look at the pic, and underneath it one of the girls had posted a comment that got the hair on my back raised. she said something to the effect of, "if aimee sees this she'll be PISSED, maybe that's her behind my head? she did have short black hair, right? hahahahaha."
if you knew what i went through and you knew the full history you'd know exactly what the snide, snarky bitch was saying betwixt the lines. the comment was made in 2006 and i think that was the year i'd suggested we grab a beer sometime figuring we'd all grown up by now.
WRONG. so fucking wrong. i'd like to say that people don't change and to never expect it, but they do... i am living proof as well as so many others i know. i guess you have to want to not be a complete barbie-look-a-like-jerkoff before you can actually become someone decent.
so, yeah, it did piss me off- but not to see them together without me. duh, i have my own group of friends and my own life... after all, it is fifteen years later. beer was a passing thought. i am pissed off because they think that i would give a shit and that somehow my life still revolved around them. i would really like to inform them otherwise- but i don't feel it's worth the effort.
so, to anyone who knew me when i lived there, and finds this page somehow, a big fat fuck you and that's all.
i take comfort in knowing that i am not and was never an exclusionary asshole, and after some careful yelling inside my head to the tune of metallica, i've come to be at ease. let them have their ego, i care not.
have you ever...
written a self-pity post then watched "beavis and butthead do america" and laughed so hard at two vultures fucking that you thought... wow, how could i ever feel sorry for myself?
Labels: two vultures making looooooooove
have you ever...
recognized a part of your personality and could pinpoint the exact moment when you became that way?
i'm sure you have. there are so many moments like this, but today i was thinking about my weirdness about touching people. i know for a fact that it all started with those fucking retards up north who, in grade four, when i touched one of them in a friendly way on their back, started yelling about how i was a lesbian. they proceeded to tell everyone, giving them all another reason to exclude me and make me feel stupid and unwanted.
it still amazes me, sometimes, how the smallest seemingly insignificant events can still effect you 15 years later. some hurdles are just still too high, i guess.
i'm sure you have. there are so many moments like this, but today i was thinking about my weirdness about touching people. i know for a fact that it all started with those fucking retards up north who, in grade four, when i touched one of them in a friendly way on their back, started yelling about how i was a lesbian. they proceeded to tell everyone, giving them all another reason to exclude me and make me feel stupid and unwanted.
it still amazes me, sometimes, how the smallest seemingly insignificant events can still effect you 15 years later. some hurdles are just still too high, i guess.
progression of the soul.
tool's lateralus pressed vinyl imagery.anxiety?
though i had good reason to feel a bit queasy and heartbeat-y. i just told my cool boss of seven years that i'm planning to leave this spring. it's just become too far, too much time spent on the subway. sigh. it was really hard to do, but it is time for change... i need to get my life exactly where i want it and this is the first step.
nothing good is ever easy.
nothing good is ever easy.
you should GO HERE and thank me later.
i have officially put on my winter weight, yet i don't give too much of a shit right now. i'm not happy about it, but i'm not sad, either... pretty much how i feel about everything these days. i miss something but i don't even know what it is, i need something but can't seem to pinpoint what, exactly. i just want to sit in my room by myself with the lights turned low watching documentaries on the mysteries of life.
welcome to february.
dee eh.
despite its ending, the dream did have a good start- i reached out in the night and you were there. i felt your face, your contours, without looking- you were there without question, as you promised you would be. still, now, i can't seem to forget the details... uncommon with most dreams.
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