talking with my closest friend.

all the years of denying and trying myself
wishing and attempting to be someone else
a twenty size year old infant
actions crippled
emotions to match

thin... lack of sleep makes me very thin. no patience, no coherence, no formalities, and severe emotional instability: grunt, whistle, click. cannot compute!

So i tried to spread some, i dunno, positive energy today for others since i felt like i had some to spare- and i find it pretty sad that so many people have to shit on others who simply want to, i dunno, make changes for the better instead of merely criticizing those who try? i come from a family of heavy criticism, and it's not a path that is fun to walk, nor do i wish to pass it on to others. anyway: in all its glory (original poster is in italics, my responses are in bold and the others are in red):

This isn't to anyone; this is to everyone.

Lonliness is consuming, and though I am surrounded by people all the time, I am so very alone. I suppose I've missed opportunities to really connect with people, chances at happiness. I've maintained my circle of friends, the perfect circle - but I let someone enter it, and now the circle is broken: weakened. I've become the outsider. So alone.

I see you, yes you, walking down the street smiling, laughing, complete... why are you not lonely? What is this need of mine to be with people, consistently... to always have company: yet never to embrace it. Yet even when you are beside me, I'm alone.

Millions of people in the city, thousands of whom see me walk by daily, yet none get it. None get me. None feel this lonliness. Or do you? Do you understand?

Is it too much to ask to be happy, to love and laugh for the sake of living? To want companionship, comfort and compatibility? To crave intensity, passion and longing? Where are the butterflies?

I've probably missed you, you who would give me that feeling of being. I've walked by you, or said something to turn you away from me, but know that I am still looking. Still searching for you... you who are mine.

I love you, and all I can hope is that we will one day cross paths, and that our timing will be right; our lonliness will ebb.

-------------------

i have always been a lonesome soul- i have only ever had one relationship, and that was eight years ago. though there are times of sadness and wanting company, i have learned to love being alone. to adore the time i get to have to myself, for myself, and to appreciate that i am my own best companion. i have conversations with myself in my journal, and i do things every day to keep myself centered and focused and enjoying every part of the flow of life.

try not to buy into what the marketing companies want you to want... love... the fairy tale of love... is not real. trust yourself to get you where you need to be, nobody else can do that for you.

have a good week!

-------------------

Love is real - in fact it's the only real thing there is.

It's very sad that your trust was so damaged that you are unable to trust someone enough to love again however I should point out that trust is never an issue about the other person and whether they are trustworthy it's actually about trusting yourself and your own judgement.

If you are in love will you trust yourself enough to know when to draw the line or will you give too much of yourself away. Will you trust yourself enough to share equally and think about what's fair to everyone or no - you cannot?

Trust is the cornerstone of love and if we are unable to trust ourselves to behave in appropriate ways and to maintain healthy boundaries then we will always have issues in relationships. Can you love and maintain your perspective - and cope with the responsibility of ensuring that you give your fair share and take no more from your beloved than you deserve?

-------------------

thank you, person i do not know, for judging the person i am without even knowing my name. i do trust myself, more than you will ever know, and more than i care or feel the need to defend.

the reason i am single is by choice, not by fear... the post was meant as inspiration for someone who seemed like they were asking for some.

sure, love exists, can you define it? point to it? draw a circle around it? love exists, but it is not the [only] way to happiness, nor is it constant, definable, or still.

-------------------

to the fairy:

someone has been watching a little too much oprah... or dr. phil... or whatever other faux-sentimental GURU is popular this week.

-------------------

i don't watch or subscribe to any of those shows... thank you kindly. but if my beliefs and character (built on my own experiences thus far) coincide with something those people might have said, that doesn't make it any less valid. just 'cause oprah or dr. phil are only interested in selling things doesn't mean there's nothing to be learned there, either. you shouldn't knock people who simply want to better their life and selves.

that's a high fucking horse!

have a good night.

-------------------

"it was if Flecther was too much himself. this was too perfect an image of him: the contemplative, staring at the sun, his every pore and pucker demanding the attention of Jaffe's aching retina, as if his portrait had been painted by a thousand miniaturists, all of whom had been granted an inch of their subject and with brushes bearing a single hair rendered their portion in nauseating detail. the rest of the room-- the walls, the window, even the chair on which Fletcher sat-- swam out of focus, unable to compete with the too-thorough reality of this man."

talking with my closest friend.

i really can't understand it, but i love that you have these beliefs... i aspire to something of the like- something i can sink my teeth into. i felt really stupid for acting the way i did yesterday, granted i didn't "act" on anything, just felt ridiculous... that is what i was sorry for, losing my perspective. mostly sorry to myself more than to you or anyone. sorry for seeking fulfillment from anyone other than my inner self. i did some research and some youtubing on meditation practices last night. that book i've been reading about "loving him without losing you" is more about being a woman of substance than about relationships. it's been so enlightening so far- about stopping projecting your feelings of inadequacy and anger onto others, etc. there are some exercises i will try in the next while, too. i know certain things are within me, and i'm no martyr or angel, just another fuck up like everyone else who pisses me off. i piss others off, too. i feel like i'm onto something, here. i did some meditating along to one of the videos last night and i plan to do it every day, the formal stuff. i felt myself getting annoyed at something trivial last night, losing perspective again, so i stopped and breathed and focused on the now and holy shit if the annoyance washed away.

yeah. yin and yang, so true. maybe i should reestablish my connection to my tattoo, why i got it in the first place 8 years ago. the book also addressed the common trait that we learn in childhood to divide the world and ourselves into good and bad, black and white... extremes... and how that is a very distorted perception, etc. man... i feel on the cusp of something very good... and i dunno what it is...

thanks for sharing that... one of the things the guy said was that you will never know anyone, so know yourself. not your husband/wife, your kids, your friends... forget it. just enjoy the moment. and i've been trying...

what an insane past couple of weeks. i've felt like i was on a (cliche) rollercoaster, just simply due to all the stress, changes in weather, missing certain people, etc. yesterday and the day before were fantastic days filled with music, love, and laughter and i couldn't ask for more. there are days... hangover days... when even though it's gorgeous outside, the sun feels like nuclear fallout and you want to stay in and avoid anything public at all costs. days when you eat greasy food to curb the hangover and your mood, days when... you simply lose your mind (or it seems like it) and spend the majority of it in bed. i've been feeling worn down lately and am making attempts to get "back to me". with magazine issue one out of the way, and temperatures that would make an oompah loompah jealous, well... i can't wait to get out for a nice long leg-burning bike ride tomorrow. and on the weekend. fuck how i miss the wind and the quietness and the speed and everything about biking. the jello-legs and the watery eyes. mud splatters on my shins and nothing else to think about but where to turn next (and, of course, what gear to use). sigh.

on that note, there's nothing more annoying to me than seeing people who don't know how or when to use their gears effectively. i can't count how many times i've seen someone pedaling their feet off only to move a few feet with each revolution. fucking gear down! and then there are those who leave it in a low gear and never change it. i used to be this way, when i was twelve. the italiciz-ation was to emphasize the condescension.

and don't even get me started on the "standers" who fail to realise that you are using far more energy standing up to climb that hill or gain momentum than you would if you just used the immense power contained in your body's largest muscle group- the quads. like HELLO OMG WHATEVERRR. and, der, the momentum of your body.

but really, learn your craft. if you're gonna do something, do it right and learn about it from all angles or take the bus. heh.

i can't wait!!!!

last straw.

erase erase erase
backing up
deleting
gone.

only allowing 3 posts to be shown at a time... no archiving, no separate pages. google will not help you. i feel more comfortable sharing this way since my thought change pretty frequently and, well, i don't think i should be defined by what you read here... this is simply a sounding board for ideas that may be deemed silly immediately after they're posted.

tonight was fun. mm mm good.

so much sadness
and deviation
moods and wants
and applications

missing link.

some people have issues with blogs, wondering why you'd want to put some of your innermost thoughts online for the world to read. i can't really answer that question because i am only me, a single structure of particles and the unknown in a universe of the same. i have no fucking clue, but i do know that i don't know the whole world, never will, but i like to share my thoughts. in person, i guess i've grown accustomed to even my closest friends keeping things fairly superficial and not really wanting to discuss what's underneath- okay, fine, not everyone is me... but i love that. i like knowing what makes people tick, why they might be upset today, or what made them so manically happy yesterday. i want to know. most people don't, self-focused, self-centered, even, i dunno. things i am at times, too, i don't pretend to be better than anyone... i just think differently a lot of the time and have met many stone faces, distant glares, and subject changers. so it goes.

um, yah, but writing is so cathartic... especially for myself, someone with severe constipation of the mouth and torrential diarrhea of the brain, it's just about the only refuge save solitary confinement and a straight jacket.

there is only one person in my life right now with whom i feel safe enough, and whom i trust enough to share my innermost thoughts, and his name starts with the fourth letter of the alphabet. i am incredibly blessed to have met him and to have him in my life as a non-judgmental sounding board for my lunacy, obsessions, vulnerability, and delicacy.

i guess the missing link for us quiet people is finding an audience whose judgment doesn't matter to you- i can handle a stranger staring at me on the subway, but it's much harder when your best friend changes the subject or shrugs off something you feel so deeply about.

p.s. i took comments away simply because i no longer give a shit what people have to say about what i have to say... thankyouverymuch. take it or leave itme.

the whole house smells like trini green seasoning, a product you should try should you ever come across the "geeta" brand of products. amazingly tasty, expecially when broiled with bbq sauce, sliced thin, and put in a whole wheat pita topped with some old cheddar and low fat sour cream. a great late night snack for someone who's consumed enough caffeinene to keep her up long enough to see TBS play "fools rush in" for the second time around 1AM. run on sentence.

today was (finally) one of those days life throws at you that really makes everything seem fantastic. perhaps adrenaline levels are high simply because i finished issue 1 of our online magazine today (PDF available april 21st)... but i've felt high all day.

sometimes i get this massive urge to create, every once in a while... like tonight. i started a weird sketch piece called "opiate of the masses" simply because it is centered arund those words. some tv channel told me those words earlier.

des fleurs, pour vous.

a happy night, a rare night, i will enjoy it while i can... while the demons allow it... while i allow it.

but it is anything but a peaceful happiness. i dunno, it seems that the very nature of feeling happy is something that can never be peaceful. it is never still.

the mourning dove
knows not
for it simply replies
to the loss of darkness
"nothing to mourn at all"

my sanity marbles nearly fell out of my head last night, well whatever's left of them, so i ventured out after three days of being pretty much housebound (having a cold, working from home, having no money, and magazine shite). i had to get out, go for a walk, anything... too bad i missed the warmness that was yesterday and found cold breezes blowing my hair all around from every direction. lovely, hair in the mouth, hair in the eyes. okay, fine, enjoy the walk... clear your mind. drain out the over-analytical bullshit that is your state of mind. so i walked down by the lakeshore and round and round and then found myself chillin' at dre's place. that was nice and relaxing especially the beer part and the part where i only ate an egg/pita sandwich, a couple slices of tofu, and an apple for the whole day... whoo! straight to the head, three tall-boys and a half-j later and i'm flyyyyyyyyying, baby.

until this morning when the alarm went off at 6:35, then 6:40, 6:45, then i finally got up. major dehydration headache coupled with cold pills and beer and pot and holy shit, what a stupid hangover from such little consumption.

the sun was extra bright this morning, still kind of is... the jury's out on the brain drain. i obsess over things quite a bit. working on it, though i'm not quite sure how...

thing is, i burst out crying in the middle of eating my tofu thingy yesterday, and though i'd like to say i don't know why, i know exactly why: vulnerability. does it every time.

ah well... what else can you do but keep busy and drink to hid the fact that you really don't like your life as it is?

the yin and yang of being busy is that you really like being busy, i like being busy, i like doing things and having things exist where once there was only an idea... i like that. making ideas reality, in one way or another, is satisfying on a much deeper level than sleep or health will ever touch. but there's the rub, sleep and health come first whether we (i) like it or not... and here i am, sickly and coughing, head ready to 'splode, nerves shot, can't sleep, too much on the brain... too much to do, too much to do. but then not being busy means complete insanity in terms of, well, going insane by the best way known to man: thinking too much.

yin and yang, sturm und drang.

when i was younger and new to the internet, there was this guy i met on yahoo chats. he was a nice young guy from indiana, before things were completely overrun by perverts... he sent me a birthday card that year with $20 inside. it was the nicest thing a guy had done for me up to that point. ever, i suppose, given my youth. we talked about everything under the polluted haze of the earth... we talked until the wee hours of the morning. we were so close, he got to know me, my brain, my fucked up crazy head... before he ever got to know me in the flesh- and he liked me for me. how many people like "you for you"? not many, in this life, not many at all.

with that $20 i bought a ring that i still have... somewhere. it's too big and i don't want to lose it. a gentle reminder that i am lovable. a whisper that i am not entirely crazy. a small token to remind me of a time that has passed.

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