HA!

sitting at work on what i am refusing to let become a bad day. fuck you and your selfish, selfish ways. it still catches me off guard how easily people hurt others and how oblivious they are to the fact that they are selfish, asshole-ish creatures who think of nothing but themselves before everything else.

now that the judgmental portion of this post is over, let's move onto... well i got nothing else. just angry and hurt and still working through some unexpressed anger. time is such a precious thing to so foolishly waste it on people not worthy of a millisecond.

losing people is never easy, whether it be against your will and want, or because they were simply a negative part of your life that you have to sever. it's hard to regroup, reorganize, rethink, and move on. hard to break old habits.

but "hard" has never stopped me before. i will get through this and over you and focus on the good things that are happening in my life, right now. by the handful, actually... i'm tweezing your splinter and it's almost all gone.

Circling and spinning around my mind
You sweetly, swiftly shift
Shaking the shakes I'm faking you're shaking
And you're quick to steal a kiss
So in a frozen motion I silently scream
You flinch but you won't back down
You dare me, you try to scare me
But you know I'll stand my ground
Fuck You

Inch by inch I'm closing in
Your eyes have sealed the dawn
Now it's only a matter of time before you shatter
try to walk away with pieces that you want
So you seek secrets of my soul
My misery I hope you'll miss
Cast your hooks, I hope you catch
A glimpse of blinded bliss
Fuck you

Who's gonna guess it, or believe
Everything's crossed my mind
So don't you blink, I'm trying to think
Well everything could unwind
Well you move me, you used to use me
Now it's time to stand this ground
And if I don't come back, nothing will collapse
Nothing ever really comes around
So surely I said sorry
if you believe half the things that we've done
You must've done them too
Cause you know I'm cut in two
Just above the balcony I'm hung from
Fuck you

i wish i didn't miss you / fuck you

never forget
never ever ever forget
that, like a $0.99 bottle of mustard
or a wet band aid
you, too
are replaceable

-------

immediately after writing that i went and laid in bed and couldn't get earl off my mind. i was rereading some old blog posts tonight and came across one where i'd seen him and his band play here in october. we had a few conversations and hung out pretty much until they had to hit the road again. we hugged and made plans to meet in vegas and he was on his way. i wish i could say i felt as though it was the last time i'd see him, but i honestly felt like he would live forever. he went through so much he seemed to be made of teflon. we weren't very old or close friends, but i did know him for a few years and he was always the warm, loving person everyone knew. his ability to spread good feelings was uncanny, and i am pretty sure that poem above is bullshit.

poem, i think not. earl was not replaceable, and i would hope for some people that i am not, either.

couldn't sleep 'cause i had a head ful of memories, blazing by in no particular order and at an alarming rate- the few times i sang a tune on stage with him, the two times he came to toronto, emailing, joking. i want to say i miss him, but that is such a selfish thought... i do. i suppose i more miss the fact that the world has one less person in it who is irreplaceable, one less person who was passionate about life... not about what you or i think life should be, but simply about life as it is.

now i'm thinking too much and can;t seem to put my thoughts into words. it's just so strange, death. to have such vivid memories of someone, how their voice sounded, how their hair looked, how their face expressed whatever they were saying... it's almost as if our entire lives are based on constructing a mental effigy of someone because we know they're gonna up and leave one day.

memories are life's insurance policy.

some doors open 2008 stuff.

sigh.

i am sad tonight. angry a bit. relieved. but mostly... well...

my friend earl died last night in his sleep after a long battle with lymphoma. he succumbed to kidney failure during a down-phase after a successful stem cell transplant last year.

i'll miss him a lot. he was one of those people who just managed to make you feel good about life, even when we hung in october and he was still undergoing chemo (took a break to go on tour with his band), he managed to be positive in his earl way.

fuck, what a loss for the world... but i am glad his suffering is over.

my mind heart and soul feel like the rounded, barely visible pink eraser nub of a pencil. i guess they call it apathy.

one was like heroin. no matter the hurt, the rush of those few encounters were enough for me to fall in love with something that would only keep taking. putting itself before all else, a one track mind. taking care not to hurt others, he would, while repeatedly saying, "i know you can take it, " while mashing in whatever was left of romance i thought i had. and i took it because i loved him so much and cared about him before me which was foolish. i hear that song, the one that says, "you think that if you love me hard enough i might stay with you, but you're wrong." it makes me angry because i wish i could be an asshole like that. times change...

another keeps me on the outside only remembering me when he needs something. times change...

and yet another keeps me on a need to know basis, yet we have this weird... friendship thing. oddly enough, he is the only one i see being worth it. i can't explain why.

and now there's him. he who wants to know the deep me, wants a peek at my mind and soul, asks questions to get there and all i can seem to mutter is absolutely nothing. silence. fences walls crevices. when did i become this person? when does it happen, does anyone know? i thought i was paying attention, but... i honestly don't know what to say or honestly don't want to say it or, quite honestly, have nothing left to say for the time being. it's a shame because i like him and it's reciprocated and i've gone and wasted my energy on people who were not worthy.

i guess we'll see what they will call this... won't we?

anyway, enough about boys. i have two hands and my own life to live. once this spell of meh passes... giddy up!

workin' on a happy song.

ships at sea
water underneath
rise and fall
to your knees
with crack and bleed
like axe to tree
no mercy
no mercy
no never will be
no never with me
divided in three
with crack and bleed
like axe to tree
on my knees
on my knees

i'm sorry i have a hard time sharing me... but i guess i just don't want to.

washing over
the tranquil seas
over me
over me
what it is
it shall ever be

observations.

rbc does not give up on the phone calls for lsa. why don't alcoholic beverages have to have nutritional info but everything else does? the longer you've surfed the 'net the less sites you visit. that priesty dude has major BO and a beer belly. mumbling is another language and if you do not speak it, then that yourhksjndknisdkf. i like dudes. oatmeal is like cement the day after. perfection is the same as imperfection. why don't people know where they're going when they walk in front of me? why am i such an asshole? i'm not an asshole! cheese: friend and foe. i've had enough alone time and want to get the fuck out. if i told you i had a slice of cheese for dinner it would be true. the other week i slammed into some guy on queen street 'cause he was all "i'm a man! struttin' like a man! drunk and angry and muttering... like a man!" and i was "it's 2am and you're on my side of the sidewalk and i'm probably 5 inches taller than you and could bench press your mom" and so we connected, bam, he was stupefied: i expected it. some people never grow up, and no the have babies growing up, but the ability to not throw a tantrum every time things don't go their way. i want to go paint the town red but am in my room, where are my friends? oh yeah, they're non existent, hehe. so many smart thoughts in there but no way to excavate them successfully without severe loss of information. i like cheese. i should go wash this oatmeal bowl...

it really is too bad.

i feel like i'm finally starting to get the hang of this thing called balance... and slowly appreciating the up and the down times. actually making room for down times, actually making room for me time when i need it. recognizing when i need it.

spent the day being productive for work and self, plotting, planning and am now mellowing out with some cheeb (heh) and some photoshopping and already-consumed raspberry sorbet.

busy is good. so is lazy.

back to both tomorrow.

the loudest SOUND.

it is always a source of amusement to be told not to take something personally when someone is being personally rude. i don't care if you are anti-social sometimes, it's still rude. and if "that's how you are" then you are rude.

the end.

secret nights
time for reflection
injection
of what my eyes tells me
of what my mind sees
a solitary telephone pole
against a southwestern sun
a desert inside
with nowhere to run

if it dissipated all matter... i think that would be true happiness.

pops.

He is still in hospital as his creatine levels are too high (something to do with his kidneys) and that is why he is tired all the time, so the doctor is trying to get all his readings to within normal zone before discharging him, hopefully before the weekend. Otherwise he is fine his usual self, joking and dreaming of pelau with pig tail (not going to happen). His blood sugar has stabilized so far and all his other scans and test are normal. I have been spending alot of time with A.Ann so only at night I feel lonely, as even though Dad was always in bed, he was still here with me. Frankie is a nervous wreck, staring at the door and barking at any slight noise he hears in the corridor, I think he hopes that Dad will walk through the door at any time (lol) such a dumb doggie.
Love you all lots and lots,
Mumsy

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