gotta clean my head out.

get out of my head
thick black muck
gluing bad ideas together
webs upon webs of sticky situations
layer on layer of opacity
smells like teen spirit
smells like last year
or the year before
i don't even remember anymore
this time it's different
i have to believe it
for my sanity i hope i am... sane
there's that word: hope
i still use it so i must have it
somewhere deep in my thick mucky head
buried in the recesses of my brain
lying in wait for a moment of clarity
a ray of sunshine through the cracks
something
something
anything
to bring me back

from broadview to cherry beach

shadows on the wind
whispers of their sins
tattered clothes persist
where existence once existed

hammering the nails in blackness
makes no difference
to the carpenter
"we can fix everything"

Every break
Crunch of bones
Every ache
Survived alone

secret wishes.

to be reabsorbed
like tiny puddles of mercury
from whence i came
hence i will go
extinguishing all memory
and laughter
and love
and leaving no hole
where there once was me

http://www.wintrest.com/if-celebs-moved-to-oklahoma/

anyone else remember, MadTV, the ebonic pyramid and sidney poitier?

ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS.

ya gotta wonder why certain behavioural traits are favoured over others (the spell check is telling me those two words do not have a "u" in them- the spell check is incorrect). i just got to thinking that things that are considered social graces, like knowing when a gentleman should remove his hat, are seen as better, or above others. at least, they see themselves that way, i s'pose. so unnatural, though, to construct a little barbie hotel of ideas about how we should behave. fuck youuu.

lonely lonely

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sometimes it all just seems like one big cluster fuck, doesn't it? the most important thing to remember is everyone is full of shit, and nobody can tell you how to run your life because we're all hypocrites.

which brings me to this blog. i've been lazy about it, as of late, but i just haven't had any writing ideas, coupled with being pretty busy/distracted by ongoing projects. suffice to say this blog is just me. incoherent at times, poignant at others, boring to most people most days, i'm sure- but i don't give a shit. i like just having somewhere to write when the mood strikes, or somewhere with HTML posting capabilities when i want to share something.

so today i'm on a plain of no sleep. the no-sleep plain of existence where you don't really care about anything and your mood is flat, but a high platform. i feel good, just completely apathetic and unaffected by anything... today.

last night was the queen west benefit @ the reverb, one of a few that'll occur, i'm sure. there was a good turnout, so that was nice to see. as a sidenote, the biggest problem with the music non-scene in toronto: people who don't give a shit but 'keep up appearances'. is this high school? the bronx? do you have to maintain your street cred (holla) or something? over 500 people claimed to be attending the benefit last night and i assure you there weren't 500 people there last night. even with the in and out factor! it just amuses me, is all. i care, i really care, i really do... except i just got home from work and i'm hungry and tired and bla bla bla. at least your home isn't a pile debris that used to be your stuff.

anyway, dealing with 6AM and -10 today actually was a breeze due to the aforementioned plain of not caring™.

crash and burn coming in 5, 4, 3...

www.hairmixer.com

marriage is so passé. because i said that i am probably going to end up getting married someday, but i just hate the idea of doing something because it seems like the next logical step. lisa said something about dating for a while and where's the ring? (as in, people would assume that of her and her boyfriend) last night and i've been thinking about it since. our generation is so passive, let things pass by, not giving any care, do what you gotta do to survive, "that's life", etc. but no, that's not life- that is life you choose to occur. i'm sorry, but fate is bullshit and your choices create the path ahead of you, not the other way around. you want to get married? cool. i don't see it having any purpose anymore, what with the common law... um... law... but to celebrate your love with family and friends, well, i suppose i can dig on that. i think my wedding will be "wear what you'd wear to the horseshoe" and that's it. a big party free of years of bullshit, money grubbing tradition, but all about just having a great time with your friends. of course, i'd need a boyfriend first, but who's counting? haha. meh. it's one of those things for me that if it happens, cool, if not, i'm sure i'll live and be happy and bla bla. this post isn't that good, i can sense it, but my fingers are on a roll...

decided to stay at my job for another while yet. w had a talk and, even though there's no significant raise, i know he's a genuine guy and that if he could he'd pay me $40k/year. he's doing his best and offered that i work 2 days per week from home doing the graphic stuff for the business. that was the seller- i am thrilled to be able to work on brochures and new item artwork without the interruptions of the telephone. as is evidenced by our 2008 catalog, a lot of minor errors slipped by because, i feel, i probably got a call from some annoying whiner whilst in the middle of that page, and while proofreading it, AND while proofreading it again. i'm anal about my work.

anyway, uh, yeah... this is good. will provide me more time to pursue my personal interests- i do have to travel to the suburbs, but in the end i get to think less (job i already know) and will be less tired at the end of the day. at least for now. i figure when i leave it'll be for my 'dream'... i.e. own photography/layout business.

in other news: i am sipping on some Glenlivet and listening to thunder outside- time for some guitar, methinks. i am playing a show on the 26th!

oh yeah: i'm playing a show on the 26th. ha. come out. will post the flyer in a bit.

every time i am watching UFC and they are jumping in the ring, pre-fight... all i can think is:

PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS PECS

bounce bounce bounce

in other news: i had ten thousand brilliant thoughts last night while watching beowulf and now i have no thoughts aside from WHY IS THE FUCKING PHONE RINGING AGAIN ARGH!!!!!!!

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