slumpity slump.

feeling the weight of life this week. uninspired to do anything real besides work and be lazy. i don't think i've even done any real photography in quite some time since my equipment is, well it's good for random shots, but you really have to work at it to make anything less than bright sunshine work well. it's depressing to not be able to afford anything camera related... maybe i should just take that $10k loan they keep mailing me about and buy everything and go from there, but that seems like a really stupid idea. it's just that it's something i'd like to do and am naturally good at, but i can't really do it as a career because i can't afford shit. not even a new lens, which would be a waste since i need a better camera first. ugh. money is the one thing i hate having to think about and yet it's the biggest focus in my life.

i suppose this CD album artwork thing i'm doing for a local band for my business might be a good start in the direction of saving for a new camera. it's so hard to think positively when you leave home in the dark and leave work in the dark and the weekends are grey, grey, grey.

every year i forget just exactly how this feels, but here it is again, and i'm sorely reminded. i feel disjointed and want to spend all my time in my room watching movies and eating bon bons. as well as a bunch of other private thoughts that need not be shared.

at least i'm old enough to know that in times like these when everything feels wrong it's a sign that nothing is actually wrong...

On a brighter note, i've been seeing a lot of random acts of kindness around the city as of late- maybe it always happens or maybe it's the season or my personal interest in people around this time of year, but it's happening. just the other day i was walking west on dundas where a UPS man dropped a couple boxes off of his dolly and a Man in a Black Suit™ stopped and picked up the boxes for him. a woman on the streetcar was having trouble getting her child redressed for outside and a stranger offered to hold her bags for her. a man was getting off the streetcar and someone got up to tap him on the shoulder and tell him he'd dropped his Altoids can. and many more i wish i'd written down as they occurred so as to remember...

it's not correct to say that the city is cold and heartless and that city people are that way, as well. it's just that the environment here is different so we generally act differently- but we mostly seem to still care about others, maybe even moreso, you could argue. i don't know, is it odd that i get teary when i see someone doing something nice for someone else without being asked? maybe, but i'm okay with it.